I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
