I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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