I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i love accidental penises.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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