Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
