Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I want to fling myself into the sun
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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