It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
