I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
