my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
