Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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