Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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