Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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