dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
