What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
