she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
