You work out of a Hotel?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
