I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
