You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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