No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
