Your face is a jimmy john
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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