i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
