Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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