i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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