we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
