I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
