his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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