Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's just like the Real World with babies
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
