I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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