super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
