there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize