So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
