you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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