he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
