I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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