she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
