So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
