I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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