If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
