i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
