You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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