the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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