I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
