my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
