whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
