I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
someone owes me an orgasm
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
