It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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