He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
