I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
