Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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