Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
