Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
