I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize