bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think my moral compass just broke
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
