just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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