um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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