He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
