She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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