she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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