So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
