there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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