I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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