Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize